The cold hard truth about those EVIL Canadians!
November 29th, 2007 | by admin |Many people have long suggested that the Canadians might be up to no good. There have been calls for a preemptive strike against our neighbors to the north. Now we know that these were justified.
How many times have we heard that Canada should be feared? Whether it be the “Blame Canada” song made popular by the rather crass cartoon South Park, or the in-genius Weird Al Yankovic parody titled “Canadian Idiot” the message has been clear. Canada is out to destroy the planet. Now we have hard evidence:
Scientists have found a new threat to the planet: Canadian beer drinkers.
The government-commissioned study says the old, inefficient “beer fridges” that one in three Canadian households use to store their Molson and Labatt’s contribute significantly to global warming by guzzling gas- and coal-fired electricity.
“People need to understand the impact of their lifestyles,” British environmental consultant Joanna Yarrow tells New Scientist magazine. “Clearly the environmental implications of having a frivolous luxury like a beer fridge are not hitting home. This research helps inform people — let’s hope it has an effect.”
The problem is that the beer fridges are mostly decades-old machines that began their second careers as beverage dispensers when Canadians upgraded to more energy-efficient models to store whatever Canadians eat besides doughnuts and poutine.
University of Alberta researcher Denise Young, who led the study, suggests that provincial authorities hold beer-fridge buy-backs or round-ups to eliminate the threat — methods that Americans use to get guns off the streets.
These headlines would make me laugh for hours if it weren’t for the fact that SOMEONE ACTUALLY BELIEVES THIS GARBAGE!
Now I don’t have a beer fridge, heck I don’t even drink. Reading articles like these make me want to go get such a fridge though. Maybe two, three, or four of these types of fridges. I’d be happy to stock them with highly caffeinated beverages.
That reminds me, every year or two I try to get an up to date list on the most caffeinated types of soda pop. This process has gotten muddled in recent years because of the plethora of energy drinks out there. I won’t burden you with including energy drinks but I will gladly supply you a list of tasty beverages and their caffeine content. Consider it an early Christmas gift from yours truly.
Here are some drinks I recommend listed in alphabetical order:
Barq’s Root Beer (12 Ounces, 22.5 Milligrams of Caffeine)
The best root beer bar none. Why? It has bite.
Bawls (10 Ounce, 66.7 Milligrams of Caffeine)
Yes, yes this could be considered an energy drink but it’s fairly tasty so I included it.
Cherry Coke (12 Ounces, 34 Milligrams of Caffeine)
My most favorite beverage of all time. Highly recommended. Five stars.
Dr Pepper (12 Ounces, 41 Milligrams of Caffeine)
A must on any connoisseur’s list.
Jolt Cola (23.5 Ounces, 220 Milligrams of Caffeine)
Disgusting tasting? Yes, but it’s an old school classic on the list.
Mountain Dew (12 Ounces,55 Milligrams of Caffeine)
Well known and respected for it’s fine caffeinated properties.
Sun Drop (12 Ounces, 63 Milligrams of Caffeine)
This rare delicacy packs a punch. If you can find it, try one.
Sunkist Orange Soda (12 Ounces, 41 Milligrams of Caffeine)
Most people don’t realize that this delicious orange soda is packed with caffeine.
So there you have it, some of my personal recommendations. If you want a more detailed list try vising this website here.
Happy caffeine buzzes to you all! Now go buy an old fridge to store all your drinks!
By Chris on Nov 30, 2007
I thought you were a huge hockey fan. Aren’t you worried about Canada’s ice melting?
Father Guido Sarducci on Canada:
“His (Ronald Reagan’s) favorite speech of mine, he gave the speech before the joint Houses of Congress, and what it was about was: the Central American threat. He made it sound like Central America was going to attack you tomorrow. It was so heavy. The best part: he looks straight at the camera and he says, ‘Ladies and gentlemen, Central America is closer to Texas than Texas is to the state of Maine.’ I’m shaking in my boots. Let’s get out the globe and check it ourselves. So you get the globe and you go Central America - Texas, Texas - Maine, #&%$@#, it is closer!
“Whole idea of the speech was that your neighbors are just too darned close to you. So what I was thinking, if I was Ronald Reagan, I wouldn’t be so upset about Central America, I would be afraid of Canada. Ladies and gentlemen, I looked it up myself, Canada is closer to the United States than South Bend is to Mishawaka. Look it up yourself. This country is 3,000 miles long, just looming over you, could come down any time and attack you. I know what everybody says, everybody says the same thing: Canada is your friend, you’ve been friends for 200 years or so. I say, don’t push your luck. Who knew, ten years ago, there would be trouble in Central America? Ten years from now it could be Canada.
“So, if I was Reagan, I’d nuke ‘em. I’d do it. One bomb on Toronto.
“I read this fact once, says you could take all the Chinese people, line ‘em up four abreast, march them into the sea, and they would never stop. That means, I think, that there’s so many of them, I guess they would be multiplying in line…
“…Canada has entire population of 180,000 people. Don’t quote me on this exactly. 180, 190, but I know it’s not more than 200,000 people. Anyway, you could line up the Canadian people, march them into Lake Erie, could take like an afternoon. You could have lunch, march them into the lake, be home for dinner. I say let’s start, what’s holding things up here?”
- from the album “Breakfast In Heaven,” 1986
By Matthew S on Nov 30, 2007
That is insane. Yesterday I heard Rush reading a list from a website. It was a list of links to articles of problems that were being blamed on global warming. Of course, half of them contradicted the other half and it was a list of insane things. Everything is caused by global warming, you know.
Apparently everything causes global warming as well. I guess the media/scientists will use anything they can think of to be able to mention the words “global warming” one more time.
By Noah on Dec 14, 2007
Haha Andy! I’m sure you remember a few runs across the street from JCCC to stock up on 2-Liter bottles — yes, whole bottles of SURGE for our uber-caffeinated enjoyment. Good times!
I kind of agree, much a fuss about Global warming. I might ride a bike, but it’s to save cash. $4 per day to park my Explorer is the only thing more ridiculous than paying $3 per gallon. Besides, with all the Calories I burn off, I can drink more Jolt!
Nice to see you’re still hangin’ in there, bud!